It was a cheap thrill during the height of the Sex and the City hey-day, but 5-10 years later is your promiscuity is only earning you a bad reputation, whilst insisting it is empowering?
Whilst once your "Cadbury's Girl" tag of gettin trashed in a gutter after imbibing a stoli (albeit, them black ones...) was endearing, people are now muttering under their breath now as they carry you over the marital threshold....
...and straight in front of a toilet seat for a night of unrequited passion and despair in a sea of swarming white porcelain and late night macca's remnants in your hair...
As you defiantly remain so "deliberately barren", using aids of common sexual protection in support of the potential PM, Julia "Skanky Spice" Gillard (circa 1998) whilst driving your poor mother to the brink of insanity, though rest easy (I guess):
In truth, it seems most likely the Leading Lady gets none at all off her tres camp "partner", Tim, thus rendering her an impossibility in terms of giving Granny and Grandad Gillard a chance to make up for a nightmarish stint in what can only be deemed as bad parenting -
And there will always be someone to inadvertently refer to the idea that you are evolving in time...
As Alec Baldwin says in 30 Rock: "I'm nearly 50! That's like a woman at 32!" and he isn't just a Baldwin brother cos he looks like a penguin neither..
Herein lies a significant issue: women have had much thrust upon them since the old days of sex CBD style (like Oxford St at any given hour really) the series. Now, the likes of Tina Fey writes subtle, unrelenting humour that doesn't patronise women by in turn patronising women...And let's not even go to the sad inevitability that is, J.Gill, sighhhh...!
Well, whatever the cause, singledom is all the more pressing and hence a quick-fix solution must be offered by way of the twitter notion, 140 should give me the lowdown, that and how many follow you...
Don't cave gf (sorry if that actually means: Get Fucked) you aren't quite there in a mass realm of recently divorced mumsy's with full custody as an asset.
A new study finds nearly a quarter of couples met online, with predictions of this taking over our entire notion of chancing upon that special someone...that's if you ignore the proceeding article that, like Prince, deems the web as we know it to be a virtual goner...
Call me a hapless romantic, but is this the new era of love at first site- don't knock my cheap puns, please...
Dang though, I was horrified by some mate's past endeavours to find "The One" by logging on as "SHY/CUTIE/SEXY_GAL3889" choose the appropriate cliche or something coyly akin, to meet the perfect match: "SHY/LUVABLE/HOTTTT_GUY6578978" (ie, Chronic Masturbator)
Inevitably, he pertains to be of GSOH, DTE characteristics, open to the possibility of kids, but not if it means you'll end up fat with matching stretch marks
-but hey! they did specify you needed to possess an either: athletic/slim/possible eating disordered type of build for this earthly gem - you, on the other hand; need not have kids right now = skank w baggage - not very DTE appealing to his GSOH-
Only it turns out he is the same douchebag you might have come across at your local, but hey, at least then the beer goggles are on, and you don't need to know of his own ridiculously high standards that come with paying for dates.
And so I present to you! All you single white/black/otherwise female/male/hermaphrodite/post/pre-op transsexuals:
skankfree.com - it's blind dating, on crack! **
The ONLY online dating service that promises a screening process more arbitrary and ill-fated as the proposed internet filter in accordance with "dating community standards" which will make up a blacklist containing RC or Refutable Carnality..
RC will not be tolerated and will include the likes of:
- Crack dealers awaiting a new moll to bring back the crystal meth twinkle to his eye
- Those that only feel accomplished upon having their number immortalised near a urinal trough
- Dutch courage misogynists (you know the type, if not: email me..)
- Anyone that is looking for someone non-descript: ie, easygoing, likes to socialise, errr, yeah
- Anyone warping her sexual identity in order to appear alluring
- Any dudes using their exorbitant bank balances to finance a series of well-meaning one night stands, only to discover, the potential mate wasn't DTE enough...
- NO MID LIFE CRISES in any way, shape or form
As much as me mumsy may cringe at this, I am unable to use these Eros-esque powers to alter my own single status, so i may as well capitalise on my Fiddle on the Roof reprisal..
Hey man I am about as Yiddish as anyone you've ever met! I have even starred in a Woody Allen play, that's how core I can be!
So, all the single ladies let me hear you go:
Matchmaker, matchmaker: make me a match
Find me a find...catch me a catch
just remember: NO SKANKS!!
* as of this moment the "skankfree" concept is hereby patented so all you boring blogger-heads out there who can't be bothered with anything, like, fresh...bugger off! you wouldn't even get past the 1st screening process...
**just as a matter of thought, how much more hilarious is it when using simile with the additional "on crack" disclaimer! see, ABC 24/7 (Auntie's on crack!!!!)
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